The Specialist: Episode 10

*Hellooooooooooo readership! Roger is back on the phone this week, angrier than ever*

8:08 AM

ANALYST:IT Helpdesk, my name is Roger, how can I help you?

CLIENT:Yeah hem, let me explain my case...I got a RAM memory upgrade lately, two gigs, and since I work with very expensive softwares, I'd like to test it with you if you don't mind.

ANALYST:OK, well what software are you using?

CLIENT:A whole bunch of them it dosen't matter.

ANALYST:Whatever, are they running fine?

CLIENT:For now yeah, but I haven't tested them yet.

ANALYST:What d'you mean?

CLIENT:How come what do I mean? I have to test the RAM, are you IT or not?

ANALYST:*sigh*

CLIENT:HELLLLOOOO???

ANALYST: So you got the upgrade, it works fine...how do you want to do this?

CLIENT:Damn, they really hire idiots to work at the helpdesk.

ANALYST:Not only at the helpdesk.

CLIENT:Watch your language, I can get you fired by the snap of my fingers.

ANALYST:Yeah yeah...so, that test.

CLIENT:I'm going to fire up two gigs here and I want you to monitor me.

ANALYST:Monitor you with what?

CLIENT:*sigh* PERFORMANCE TOOLS!

ANALYST:Oh yeah, of course, how could have I forgot...silly me!

CLIENT:Do you want to help me or not?

ANALYST:Yeah sure...

CLIENT:I don't have time to waste, d'you want to help me or not? I have important work to do.

ANALYST:I'm waiting for you to...fire up these two gigs or whatever.

CLIENT:Bear with me while I do that

*three minutes later*

ANALYST:Soooooooo...these two gigs, are they 'fired up'?

CLIENT:It's a long process, getting there, you're IT you should know.

ANALYST:No, I don't why don't you explain me?

CLIENT:Well I'm not sure how many I need to go to two gigs, but I have a hundred and twelve Microsoft Excel Windows opened right now. Before my upgrade, around three hundred, my screen started flickering.

ANALYST: Who, in the name of god's ball sack would you want to boot three hundred Microsoft Excel Windows.

CLIENT: FOR TESTING PURPOSE, GEEZE!

ANALYST: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TEST EXACTLY? YOUR PC IS NOT A NITWIT METER!

CLIENT: You're a little insolent bastard.

ANALYST: And you're a danger to any computer you approach.

CLIENT: I'M VERY GOOD AT IT.

ANALYST: No you're not, you're a scientific egghead nitwit.

CLIENT: HEY BUDDY, FUCK OFF! YOU WANT TO DO THIS TEST OR NOT?

ANALYST: No, I don't in fact I'm speaking on the corporate MSN right now with your local IT, he can't believe what an idiot you are and he's going to snatch your PC away from you.

CLIENT: Then, tell me, HOW DO YOU TEST RAM, HUH? HUH?

ANALYST: Sir are you working in QA?

CLIENT: No. I'm a scientific, I told you I work with expensive software.

ANALYST: THEN IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB! THE RAM WORKS WHEN IT'S HANDED TO YOU!

-CLICK-

9:55 AM

ANALYST:IT Helpdesk, my name is Roger, how can I help you?

CLIENT:Yeah, I want unlimited memory.

ANALYST:Unlimited memory for what?

CLIENT:For my PC.

ANALYST:What do you mean?

CLIENT:I want unlimited memory for my PC, how can I word that?

ANALYST:Hem...I'm scared it's not possible

CLIENT:Look kid, I'm director of regional clinic tests in Oregon, I can have whatever I want on my PC.

ANALYST:All right, you got unlimited memory now.

CLIENT:Really?

ANALYST:Yeah sure, you're too important not to have it.

CLIENT:Are you being sarcastic?

ANALYST:I don't know...are you?

CLIENT: Look young man, I don't want to ask for upgrades and see my computer still going slow. I want to have the unlimited package right away. I have a company credit card, I can pay.

ANALYST:We don't have unlimited packages.

CLIENT:Yes you do, my Vice-President has one.

ANALYST:With all due respect, NO HE DOESN'T.

CLIENT:Are you calling me a lier?

ANALYST:NO, I'm calling you ignorant.

CLIENT:WHAT?

ANALYST:Unlimited ram memory is a philosophical concept, it doesn't really exists.

CLIENT:And how come it wouldn't exists Mr. Smart Pants?

ANALYST:Your computer tower is a finite space. Memory sticks occupy space...a whole computer cannot be filled with memory sticks, so do the math.

CLIENT:And how come they cannot be filled with memory sticks? I can do what I want with my computer. I'm the regional director of...

ANALYST:Yeah yeah all right, here's what I do. I'll get you unlimited memory all right? It's going to be delivered to you by air mail.

CLIENT:I KNEW YOU WERE JUST A LAZY BASTARD....what company is going to deliver? Who should I expect?

ANALYST:Oh he's that very efficient private delivery boy I know.

CLIENT:What's his name?

ANALYST:Michael Jackson

12:42 PM

ANALYST:IT Helpdesk, my name is Roger, how can I help you?

CLIENT:I'm not sure you can help me but...

ANALYST:...but?

CLIENT:I'll give it a try!

ANALYST:YOU GO! Can I have you computer ID?

CLIENT:S535G634

ANALYST:Susan?

CLIENT:Yeah.

ANALYST:What can I do for you Susan?

CLIENT:Hem, do you deal with Microsoft Excel?

ANALYST:Yeah we do! As much as we can.

CLIENT:I can't open any file anymore.

ANALYST:What happened when you try to open some?

CLIENT:It dosen't do anything?

ANALYST:Can I connect to you on the Corporate MSN?

CLIENT:Sure go ahead we can share screen.

ANALYST:Here we goooooooooo...so, show me what you do.

CLIENT:See, it dosen't work.

ANALYST:Ma'am, it's not a Microsoft Excel file.

CLIENT:I know, I thought I'd encourage Open Office.

ANALYST:Ma'am Anacom Solutions have a deal with Microsoft, so Open Office is not used.

CLIENT:But it dosen't make sense, dosen't it. If Open Office opens Microsoft files, why Microsoft Excel wouldn't open OpenOffice files.

ANALYST:Because it hates its guts...figuratively speaking.

CLIENT:Look, my manager got me to remove Open Office, but I need to open its files.

ANALYST:Well, have you tried changing the format of the file

CLIENT:Yeah it dosen't work, it's all corrupted.

ANALYST:Has this file ever been a Excel file

CLIENT:No, never, I'm actively against Microsoft

ANALYST:Well then, Microsoft is actively against you.

CLIENT:You're not nice

ANALYST:Tell that to Anacom Solutions!

-CLICK-





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