Some people have no respect. They kick you down, they drag you in the mud in front of everyone you love and yet, they expect you have nothing better to do than to be in awe in their presence. I used to date that asshole Croat Goran. Even worse, I used to be in love with that guy. He would’ve asked me to go live in Zagreb with him; I would’ve followed the guy. Goran is the kind of self-sufficient asshole that likes to think that girls are stupid. I got news for you big guy; they’re only stupid when they are in love.
The thing with girls and love is that every time it happens, we fall completely into it. We dive into relationships like a scuba diver into Lake Titicaca. We don’t dip; we dive with a passion and love that we can barely explain. When we get our hands on a good looking guy, we think he’s the next big thing, the ultimate truth. When my best friend Karyn introduced me to Goran, I immediately saw myself in his arms. When I kissed him the first time, I could see us moving together. When he moved in with me, I heard the wedding carol and the cries of a baby. It was eight months after I only knew him. What a mistake.
I thought he was so deep and rebellious. He was an anarchist. Not a vain dreamer, but an engaged one, member of the local anarchist movement. I spent countless hours with my head on his chest, his long hair gently caressing my ear while he was reading Proudhon, Kropotkin or whatever intellectual masturbation he was into. I got off on that. My man was going to change the world with his radical thinking. I like to think that every woman can be stupid and date an asshole once in her life. I was stupid and shut my brain down for a whole two years. I kick myself for that.
Goran, despite being brilliant, was not the kind of guy you could discuss with. He was also a member of MENSA, with an IQ of 144. He liked to talk about it and use it as a way to close all argument. He had a hot temper and hated to argue. So like a good girl, I didn’t dare challenge his intellect and shut my mouth most of the time. I remember the time I told him I was going to vote Democrat at the 2004 election he got so angry he took my handbag and a big chunk of my clothes and threw them from the window of our apartment yelling: “NO PERPETRATOR OF A SLAVERY SYSTEM IS GOING TO SLEEP IN MY BED”. He kicked me out of my own house. In November he kicked me out of my own place without my vest or my shoes. He called me a tramp, a whore, everything in the book. He didn’t hit me, but his words were hurting as much. Thank god I had my cell phone and could call Karyn to pick me up.
I stayed ten days at my best friend’s place. Ten days where the only news of Goran I had were through his friend Marko. He’s the guy I should have dated. He was nice and polite. I was coming back from work one day, when I bumped into him. He held me in his arms and told me how sorry he was. For a minute, he got me worried that Goran was dead and like a stupid headless chicken, I started to cry. Then Marko told me: “I don’t know what got a hold of him; I thought you guys were going to get married.”
“Marko, what are you talking about?” I said, with my mascara pouring down my cheeks.
“Well, I saw Goran with Lisa Majesky at the bar last Saturday.”
Like an idiot in love, I ran at Karyn’s crying. That should have been the end of my relationship with the pompous intellectual. He kicked me out, fucked one of my classmates like I don’t exist, what kind more abuse I was ready to take?
Goran came back after ten days, knocking at Karyn’s door, crying and begging me to come back home, that he was missing me, without mentioning anything of the Lisa Majesky story. Fuck, I don’t understand why, but I listened. To the dismay of Karyn, who today no longer talks to me, I just went back and lived with him. I loved the guy, I was submerged by the love I had for him. I couldn’t see anything but the great intellectual leader in him. Oh and I voted Anarchist too. It’s because of people like Goran that George Bush had a second mandate.
Things just got worse and worse. I took six months before mentioning the name of Lisa Majesky. He denied everything. He told me I was a liar, then that Marko was a liar, then when I brought the fact that he kicked me out like a savage, he told me I was stupid to run off because he was going to let me back in a few minutes after I would have apologized for wanting to vote Democrat. I was on the verge of exploding. He kept poking me with his finger, like in a bad cop movie. I had enough.
I smacked his face with a frying pan.
POW!
I gave him a concussion, broke his nose, his cheek bone and two front teeth.
And I only hit him twice.
I used to play tennis.
I kicked him in the stomach and…and…left. Crying again, this time out of rage and despair. The handsome, smart, intellectual, vain, self-absorbed Goran had pushed me against the wall. He never laid a hand on me, but he worked so hard at erasing who I am that he almost succeed. My body reacted when he was trying to brutalize my mind.
I was not done with him. Oh no. Two hours after, I was crying my ass off in a coffee shop when the police arrested me. Aggravated assault. I proudly pleaded guilty at the police station and emptied my heart from all the abuse I suffered from this political self-induced wacko. Some of the policemen seem to understand my situation, other thought I was over-reacting.
So did the judge.
I got a month of jail, two years probation, a restraining order and anger management class. The judge told me there was no evidence that he ever been violent with me and he wanted to make an example for domestic violence perpetrated by women. My lawyer appealed, but I had time to do my prison term before he could reduce my probation to eighteen months and replace the anger management by a fine for Goran’s hospital fee.
I dated that asshole for two years, but nearly five years after, I’m still shaking off the effects of that relationship. I just found myself a new job in a call center and I’m saving to one day open my little bakery with my sister. One more year of work and it should be it. I have yet to have another boyfriend or to trust a single male. I have not considered being a lesbian yet, but I do not feel ready to have anyone with a wang in my life.
The only males on my Facebook list are old, overweight and sexually unthreatening co-workers. I have over a hundred friends on Facebook, but under five males. I’ve never heard of Goran after I got out of jail in September of 2005. I paid his stupid bill by the intermediary of his lawyer. He got to me so much that when everything was finally over, I felt like being reborn. Doing things on my own didn’t feel lonely anymore. I was getting the difference between loneliness and solitude. I didn’t need anymore trouble like this, so I enjoyed the absence of trouble sources.
I was going to the movies alone, drank wine and watched a movie alone, went to the restaurant alone. For a little more than three months, it was my idea of fun. Doing things by myself. Then I regained contact with my sister Janice which I lost when I was dating Goran. He had isolated me from my family. We didn’t have the best relationship, but if the trails of destruction of the Croat had one use, it would have been to make me reconnect with my loved ones. Janice and I started talking again, than I moved to New York to be closer to her. She helped me moving in and finding my job and the call center. She became my best friend. Better late than never.
Last Friday I was going through my email, because I was starting to scout locals for the bakery. The only email I got in my box read as follows:
Goràn Zorbrovic has added you as a friend on Facebook.
I wanted to message him and say: “FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU GORAN ZORBROVIC AND YOUR IDIOTIC POLITICAL AGENDA. FUCK YOU AND YOUR INTELLECT, FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID MENSA. WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU?”
But I didn’t. I looked at his display picture. He didn’t change much. His hair was shorter, he was still as handsome as ever wrapped in a red flag with his well trimmed goatee. He was hot. So hot I was angry. I was angry I let myself being seduced by such a vain idiot. I didn’t add him, didn’t talk to him and blocked him on my Facebook. I refused to let such a destructive person in my life again.
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