I'm going to go buy A Dance With Dragons at lunch and I am scared. I'm doing it for Josie. I mean, I'll read it too at some point, but I'm risking my neck on release day for her. Have you ever been inside a bookstore on a Harry Potter release day? It's full of adolescent girls, women in their thirties and horny teenagers stampeding around and holding on to their copies like life fluids. I've never been inside a bookstore for a George R.R Martin release day, but I suspect it'll be worse. A lot worse. Replace the women by fat nerds with greasy hair and Canadian urbanites that pay a fortune to watch HBO. But I'm prepared. During the long week-end*, I bought the necessary gear to survive getting a copy of A Dance With Dragons on release day.
It's warm in Montreal right now. Really warm. It's gonna be even warmer in a crowded book store. Since nerds (and the random mouth breathers) are attracted to armpit smell, I'm going to wear this bottle on my back like exterminator fluid and douse the first motherfucker that cuts me in line.
With that, I can weave myself better in between bodies and reach the book quicker. I plan to strip down to my underwear and cover my body with the stuff.
There will be times where I have to climb immovable objects (and immovable people) and other times where I'll have to run for my life. They might also come in handy if I need to kick. And I probably will.
I know better than to walk into a close space that WILL contain smells of armpits, fart and rancid breaths. If I don't wear it, I know I'm not coming out.
I'm reading to burn the complete pile to get one. This way, while the beasts cry for the ashes of their precious, I'll have an easier check-out.
Still the odds are 3:1 that by 1 P.M, I'll walk into a wasteland, full of charred bodies, severed limbs and empty spines of Bossypants. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. If I don't come back, tell Josie I love her.
There will be times where I have to climb immovable objects (and immovable people) and other times where I'll have to run for my life. They might also come in handy if I need to kick. And I probably will.
I know better than to walk into a close space that WILL contain smells of armpits, fart and rancid breaths. If I don't wear it, I know I'm not coming out.
I'm reading to burn the complete pile to get one. This way, while the beasts cry for the ashes of their precious, I'll have an easier check-out.
Still the odds are 3:1 that by 1 P.M, I'll walk into a wasteland, full of charred bodies, severed limbs and empty spines of Bossypants. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. If I don't come back, tell Josie I love her.
* I had a four days week-end, two banked days
6 comments:
Best of luck, man, but go easy on the Axe. There's enough of that in the air already.
Bwahahahaha! Good luck! You're a good man for braving the craziness of the release day of Dance With Dragons.
I can only imagine what kind of hell that must be. I used to work at a bookstore for two Harry Potter release parties - scary shit, but by far the worst was when my wife and I walked into a Barnes & Nobles the night Breaking Dawn was released.
Now, I'm a reformed neckbeard myself, but not being familiar with Stephanie Meyers, I was terrified to see pre-teens and (I shit you not) a woman who had to be in her 80's walking around the store trying to pull off the gothic lolita look.
I'm still in therapy over that.
Sounds positively scary! Good luck in there.
For those who worried. I survived. The store was pretty crowded and the line was beyond long (took me fifteen minutes, which is abnormal at any book store), but not much stinky people. A lot of the similar crowd that reads Harry Potter actually...
HE HE this one was hilarious, Ben :) There is such a huge worldwide buzz around MArtin's new novel!
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