Dead End Follies Awards - Complete List of Nominees

The Dead End Follies Awards are next week and in case you didn't read the twelve nomination posts over the last three weeks, here is the condensed version for you, so that you can catch up on whatever you miss. The Award ceremony is happening over next week, you can find the exact schedule here. if you're confused about the curious choice of books for nominations, you should read this. The Awards aren't the most serious thing and are based on my own reading during a set period of time. I also included a link to the original post for each category. It's a wink to writers I like and my perspective on things. Please, if you like the idea, share it through the social networks (Twitter, Facebook, Google+, etc.) and spread the word.

NOMINEES FOR BEST BOOK COVER

Julianna Lee for Megan Abbott's THE END OF EVERYTHING

Rodrigo Luff and Claudia Noble for John Hornor Jacob's SOUTHERN GODS

The office of Paul Sahre for Chuck Klosterman's KILLING YOURSELF TO LIVE: 85% OF A TRUE STORY

Rachell Sumpter for Dave Eggers' ZEITOUN

NOMINEES FOR FUNNIEST BOOK

Chuck Klosterman for KILLING YOURSELF TO LIVE: 85% OF A TRUE STORY

Duane Swierczynski for FUN & GAMES

Matthew McBride for FRANK SINATRA IN A BLENDER

Jim Thompson for ROUGHNECK

NOMINEES FOR BEST SHORT STORY

Heath Lowrance for IT WILL ALL BE CARRIED AWAY

Daniel Woodrell for BLACK STEP

Frank Bill for THE ACCIDENT

David Cranmer for CLOUDS IN A BUNKER

NOMINEES FOR BEST NON-FICTION BOOK

David Foster Wallace for THIS IS WATER: SOME THOUGHTS DELIVERED ON A SPECIAL OCCASION, ABOUT LIVING A COMPASSIONATE LIFE

Chuck Klosterman for KILLING YOURSELF TO LIVE: 85% OF A TRUE STORY

Ernest Hemingway for A MOVEABLE FEAST

James Wood for HOW FICTION WORKS

NOMINEES FOR BEST SERIES

John Updike for the Rabbit Series

Josh Stallings for the Moses McGuire novels

Anthony Neil Smith for the Billy Lafitte saga

Andrew Vachss for the Burke novels *

NOMINEES FOR BEST NEW BOOK

John Hornor Jacobs for SOUTHERN GODS

Matthew McBride for FRANK SINATRA IN A BLENDER

Megan Abbott for THE END OF EVERYTHING

Heath Lowrance for THE BASTARD HAND

NOMINEES FOR BEST CRIME NOVEL

Richard Price for CLOCKERS

Anthony Neil Smith for HOGDOGGIN'

Duane Swierczynski for FUN & GAMES

Dashiell Hammett for RED HARVEST

NOMINEES FOR BEST LITERARY NOVEL

Chuck Palahniuk for DIARY

Jonathan Franzen for THE CORRECTIONS

Kurt Vonnegut for MOTHER NIGHT

David Foster Wallace for INFINITE JEST

NOMINEES FOR BEST NEW WRITER (DISCOVERY)

Jim Thompson

Matthew McBride

Josh Stallings

Anthony Neil Smith

NOMINEES FOR BEST FEMALE CHARACTER

Octavia VanderPlaats in Anthony Neil Smith's CHOKE ON YOUR LIES

Mrs. Wilson in Allan Guthrie's BYE BYE BABY

Kate Gompert in David Foster Wallace's INFINITE JEST

Gloria Patch in Francis Scott Fitzgerald's THE BEAUTIFUL & DAMNED


NOMINEES FOR BEST MALE CHARACTER

Paul Little in Aaron Philip Clarke's THE SCIENCE OF PAUL

Teardrop Dolly in Daniel Woodrell' WINTER'S BONE

Billy Lafitte in Anthony Neil Smith's YELLOW MEDICINE/HOGDOGGIN'

Nick Valentine in Matthew McBride's FRANK SINATRA IN A BLENDER

NOMINEES FOR BEST NOVEL

Anthony Neil Smith for CHOKE ON YOUR LIES

Norman Mailer for THE EXECUTIONER'S SONG

Francis Scott Fitzgerald for THE BEAUTIFUL & DAMNED

Vladimir Nabokov for LOLITA

*Now, I know what you're thinking. Nominations were made before November 1st. I thought it was only far to keep him there. Please, just chill.

Movie Review : Falling Down (1993)

Country:

USA

Recognizable Faces:

Michael Douglas
Robert Duvall
Rachel Ticotin

Directed By:

Joel Schumacher

FALLING DOWN is another argument for the theory that BATMAN FOREVER killed something within Joel Schumacher. Something like artistic integrity. Until the 1995 travesty of a Batman movie, the director's career was doing really well. He had directed the now cult movies ST. ELMO'S FIRE, THE LOST BOYS, FLATLINERS and in 1993 what might have been his darkest film*, FALLING DOWN. What happened after this movie? I don't know. An attack of the Steve Blass disease? Maybe, but I like to remember him for the good movies he did, like this one. FALLING DOWN will be remembered as one of Michael Douglas' strongest performances, before his plastic surgery days. I re-watched it last week-end after having one of those discussions about the similarities with TAXI DRIVER with Josie. It's been accused of being a ripoff, but it's a movie that discusses its own set of issues, all through the character of William Foster.

Life hasn't been kind for William (Douglas) in the last few months. His wife left him, taking their little girl with her, he lost his job and as the movie opens, he's caught in the hellish L.A traffic in the summer heat. His mind invaded by the ambient cacophony, William cracks and abandons his car. He walks up to a phone booth to call his wife and tell her he's coming home for their daughter's birthday. For reasons you will soon discover, she's very scared of him and hangs up. Then, William walks to a convenience store to get change to call back. The owner happens to be in a bad mood this morning and refuses to make change unless he buys something. When William buys a Coke, he charges him too much to make change. Then all hell breaks loose in William's mind. He starts thrashing the store, decrying the obscene prices of merchandise. He destroys things until he's given the Coke at the price he deems fair. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is only the first step in William Foster's downward spiral.

FALLING DOWN was written by Ebbe Roe Smith, television writer for shows like DOOGIE HOWSER M.D and MURPHY BROWN. His biggest success in cinema before was TURNER AND HOOCH (that man-dog buddy cop movie with Tom Hanks). How random, I know. It's even more impressive knowing that Smith's writing (it's an original script) has a lot to do with the film's quality. His characters, particularly. William is a man born in the wrong era. He's from a stiff upbringing and he's lost in the chaotic L.A of the nineties. No matter how insanely violent he can get, you can't help but think nothing of the sort would've happened if he lived in a white picket fence neighborhood of the post-war boom. The way he's still proud of the things he lost and of the people who left him, is heartbreaking. Officer Prendegrast (Robert Duvall) is also an amazing character, torn in between his love for his work and his love for his wife, who's sickness is dragging him in a life he doesn't care about. He sees William as a way to leave with his head high.

There are a few great scenes in FALLING DOWN, including the opening, where the sounds of Los Angeles seems to attack William in his car and the army surplus scene, which is another milestone in William's insanity. But most of Joel Schumacher's merit here is to have chosen his cast very well and that he trusts them enough to give them the time to shine. Kudos to him for picking up Tuesday Weld to play Mrs. Prendergrast. She was a forgotten beauty of Hollywood, the perfect choice to play a forgotten beauty of a L.A neighborhood. A woman that sacrificed the little she had, even her own sanity, for the love of her husband. FALLING DOWN is both Michael Douglas and Ebbe Roe Smith's finest hour in Hollywood. That makes for a damn good movie about the end of somebody's world. I had forgotten how good it was. I love it when characters dare you to love them.

SCORE: 88%

* He might have directed something darker, I lost all faith in him after BATMAN & ROBIN.

Kanye West ft. Teyana Taylor - Dark Fantasy (Live)

Today is one of those days where I'm thankful to be busy. While I'm working on a new piece for Spinetingler Magazine (amongst other things), let me entertain you to the song that has been in my head the most in 2011. I love Kanye West. He's not your typical MC that raps about gold chains and drunk girls. He's a tortured artists posing as such, which makes him so fascinating to me. There is a conflict within Kanye that's absent in most rappers and I think it reflects a lot in his music. He didn't sing DARK FANTASY last week when he came to Montreal and I was a little disappointed by it. It's probably my favorite song of his. But hey, he played many great songs anyway. Here it is for you today, so it can stick in your head too.

Kanye West - DARK FANTASY

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I fantasized about this back in Chicago
Mercy, mercy me, that Murcielago
That’s me, the first year that I blow
How you say broke in Spanish? Me no hablo
Me drown sorrow in that Diablo
Me found bravery in my bravado
DJ’s need to listen to the model’s
You ain’t got no f-ckin’ Yeezy in your Serrato?
(You ain’t got no Yeezy, n-gga?)
Stupid, but what the f-ck do I know?
I’m just a Chi-town n-gga with a nice flow
And my bitch in that new Phoebe Philo
So much head, I woke up to Sleepy Hollow

Can we get much higher? (higher, higher)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Look like a fat booty Celine Dion
Sex is on fire, I’m the King of Leon and Louis
Beyond the truest
Hey, teacher, teacher
Tell me how do you respawn the students?
And refresh the page and restart the memory?
Respark the soul and rebuild the energy?
We stopped the ignorance, we killed the enemies
Kanye West Dark Fantasy lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/kanye-west-dark-fantasy-lyrics.html

Sorry for the night demons still visit me
The plan was to drink until the pain over
But what’s worse, the pain or the hangover?
Fresh air, rolling down the window
Too many Urkels on your team, that’s why your wins low
Don’t make me pull the toys out, huh
Don’t make me pull the toys
And fire up the engines
And then they make noooise

Can we get much higher? (higher, higher)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

At the mall there was a seance
Just kids, no parents
Then the sky filled with heron
(I saw the devil) In a Chrysler LeBaron
And the hell, it wouldn’t spare us
(And the fires did declare us)
(But after that, took pills, kissed an heiress)
(And moved her back in Paris)

Can we get much higher? (higher, higher)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Can we get much higher? (higher, higher)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Reviewing Schedule (Semi-Technical Jibber-Jabber)

I've been procrastinating on this post, but my recent acquisition of a Kindle (thanks to Josie!) and the increased demand of eBooks reviews have made this post somewhat mandatory. I have taken some reviewing habits over the months and I thought I should share them with you instead of keeping you guessing what's going on. 

Books

I try to review two books a week, but it's not always possible. I am working full time, writing and trying to have a life. But the basic idea is this:

1)eBook (or small publisher) review on Monday.

2)Paperback review on Friday. 

The Monday review is often a book that has been submitted to me by the writer (or the publisher) and the Friday one comes from my own personal TBR(to-be-read) pile. It's not always the case, but 80% of the time it is. 

I am trying to play as much as I can. Here are the reviews I have planned for now.

Friday: Leonard Fritz - In Nine Kinds Of Pain

Monday: Edward A. Grainger - The Adventures Of Cash Laramie & Gideon Miles Vol. II

That's it. I am currently now reading Empire Falls by Richard Russo and Dead Money by Ray Banks. Hopefully I'll have the reviews soon, but I don't want to read too fast. I've been known to dig up into the books a little more than average, so I have to stay true to my style. 

Here's a list of the books I have up for review in both paperback and Kindle, so it can give you an idea of the waiting time. I might switch them up, according to whatever is more convenient (I'm thinking of keeping Klosterman for the holidays, for example), but it's the order I'm going to read them, basically.

Paperback:

Richard Russo - Empire Falls

Paul Harding - Tinkers

John Rector - The Cold Kiss

Duane Swierczynski - Hell & Gone

Chuck Klosterman - IV

Kindle:

Ray Banks - Dead Money

Dani Amore - Death By Sarcasm

Keith Rawson - The Chaos We Know

Pearce Hansen - Street Raised

R. Thomas Brown - Mayhem

Pearce Hansen - Gun Sex

R. Thomas Brown - Merciless Pact

You're more than welcome to submit your book for review, but above is the material I will already have to go through. If you have a paperback, I will try my best to read it quick and weave it somewhere in the pile, but I can't promise anything. For the Kindle, everybody's on the same level, so there is a waiting line.

Movies

I don't have a set schedule for movies. I am a very avid viewer, but it differs every week. When I watch a lot during the week-end, I will put the movies on a schedule. For example, if I watch three movies, I will review them on Monday-Wednesday-Friday. If I watch five (it's a lot, but it happens) I will review a movie every day of the week. 

I don't have a queue for movies because it takes a lot less time to watch them than to read a book, but the only movie I have up for review now is Falling Down, one of Michael Douglas' greatest performances and it should go live tomorrow. I'm trying to review a documentary every Friday, but I'm currently in a pause, so I  can review the Vice Guide To Travel, just to change the pace and keep my perspective fresh on things. I'm opened to review suggestions for movie. You can email them to me.

Television Series & Video Games

I don't do official reviews of both, because of their time-consuming nature. Instead, I do diaries when I hit a certain milestone (at the end of a season, for example). It's something with a lot looser structure and no real schedule. It happens when it happens. Also, I'm not taking suggestions for those, due to the costly and time-consuming nature of both. If I invest myself in a series or in a game, I will make sure it's something I have interest in.

Book Review : Anthony Neil Smith - All The Young Warriors (2011)

Country: USA

Genre: Thriller

Pages: 527 Kb (eOriginal)

Buy It Here

But they were past that. Had Cindy shot an unarmed Adem, Bleeker wouldn't have hesitated to take out Mustafa had he come after his own justice. Family, right? Fuck justice.

I have grown slightly obsessed about the fiction of Anthony Neil Smith over the last few months. Since last March (when I discovered him),  I have read all of his novels, except for the first one PSYCHOSOMATIC. I was very happy when I learned that his latest, ALL THE YOUNG WARRIORS, would be published by Blasted Heath, the new kid in town, in terms of ePublishing. It was announced by the writer (and everybody else who had read it) as a departure from his usual style, which had me worried a little. I like Smith's style. He's a man who has a demon living inside him and when he lets this demon tell the stories, we get book like HOGDOGGIN' and CHOKE ON YOUR LIES, which both rank as some of my best reading in 2011. 

It's quite the ballsy choice of story to begin with. The action begins as two Minnesotan cops pull a car on a traffic stop and get in a deadly shootout with the occupants. Two Somalian kids, named Jibrill and Adem. They are on their way to the airport to go join the rebel army in Somalia, where they think they belong after being brainwashed by an Imam named Rockstar Muhammad. One of the two cops shot happened to be Ray Bleeker's girlfriend. He left his wife after making his colleague pregnant and now that she and her baby are both dead, he doesn't have anything to hold on to, but to find the culprits. Savvy with the Somalian diaspora, Bleeker finds Adem's father Mustafa, who used to be a gangbanger and teams up with him to go and find the kids.  As I'm typing it down, I'm realizing that it's quite the complex story, but I'm just giving you the jist of it. 

The chapters are separated in two points of view. Bleeker and Mustafa and Jibrill and Adem, in Somalia. When I say it's quite the ballsy choice of story, it's that not only Anthony Neil Smith is commenting on a conflict nobody wants to end, but ALL THE YOUNG WARRIORS is also commenting on Americanization. For people like Somalians, who come from a culture where everything is so radically different, through the eyes of Adem, Smith is showing how hard it is to go back to where you come from after knowing America. Jibrill and Adem being two different examples, one adapted to the U.S and the other never did. Here's an example, also showing the typical music of Smith's writing, where the beauty appears when the sentences adn the ideas are crashing one into another.

In less than a week, Jibrill had grown from a boy with ADD to a respected man above men right in front of Adem's eyes. No one event or moment. The entire experience seemed to lift him. He was made for this.

I really liked ALL THE YOUNG WARRIORS. I didn't go crazy about it like I did for some of his older books, but it's a courageous novel that raises a lot of pertinent questions. No, Anothony Neil Smith's inner writing demon is not present on the pages, but he tried to do something different and I respect that. It's a novel about characters who lost the cornerstones of their identity while getting sucked in one of the ugliest conflict on Earth these days. It's a thriller, meant to reach a wider audience, so Smith left some of his endearing anger on the side for this one. The more I think about ALL THE YOUNG WARRIORS, the more I like it. You should give it a try, it's a good introduction to the work of the very talented Anthony Neil Smith.

Movie Review : The Descendants (2011)

Country:

USA

Recognizable Faces:

George Clooney
Shailene Woodley
Nick Krause
Beau Bridges
Robert Forster

Directed By:

Alexandre Payne

I'm always worried about movies where George Clooney tries to play something else than George Clooney. He trademarked his swagger so well, it's hard to begrudge him for it, but he came to suffer from what I call the Harrison Ford syndrome. His aura is so strong, whenever he plays in something, you always see George Clooney playing a character and not his character himself. But I was wrong to worry about THE DESCENDANTS. Clooney's star power is almost evenly matched by the strength of Matthew King (the character he's playing) and the joint storytelling effort of Kaui Hart Hemmings, Alexander Payne and the team of screenwriters make this movie come to life. It was kind of a Friday evening surprise viewing, but I walked out of THE DESCENDANTS more than happy. I was charmed.

The heir of a Hawaiian royal legacy Matt King (Clooney) is looking to sell the last few acres of land his family owned, because the trust on the land expires in seven years*. Caught in all the paperwork, life hits Matt in the face when his wife Elizabeth (Patricia Hastie) has a terrible jet ski accident and falls in a coma. Very competent as his work, Matt is a lot less at family life. His daughters don't trust him, but they need parental guidance in this troubled period of their lives. Matt also realizes he needs them, because with no wife to come back to, he realizes that it's really lonely of top of the tower of success. Matt and especially his daughter Alexandra (the older one, played by the very talented Shailene Woodley) learn to know and to trust each other as their worlds fall apart.

The first thing I thought when I walked out of the theater, was that it reminded me of Jonathan Franzen's THE CORRECTIONS a lot. It's not as dark and sure is a hell lot shorter, but basically it's the same type of story. A family that needs the best out of each other in tough times. Those readers who are always on the fence about reading Franzen, if you want a Franzen-lite experience, THE DESCENDANTS is a very good option. While George Clooney was nothing short of great, I have to say his best moments were when he teamed up with Nick Krause, who played Sid, the nit-wit would be boyfriend of Alexandra. They are hilarious together, managing their awkward relationship. Whenever Nick Krause was on the screen, I started chuckling. The kid is very talented at playing idiots. 

While it's more of a stunt in cinematography and a love song to Hawaii, THE DESCENDANTS works you up on a technical level also. It has what ninety percent of Hollywood movies don't have. A pace. A smooth pace just like the calm waters of Hawaii. Through patient editing (Payne's scenes are often longer than shorter) and through his delicate use of music, you are transported throughout this Hawaiian tale, as if you were floating down a river. There were a few Hollywoodian shortcomings that hacked on the experience in a very minor way, but they're not part of the core of the story (how the family deals without their mother), so it's not detrimental to your appreciation of the movie. There is a strong buzz about THE DESCENDANTS being a strong contenders to the Oscars and I would say that buzz is about right.

SCORE: 85%

* It's not explained in the movie, but I think it means it's going to auction afterwards.

Off The Record has officially hit the (virtual) shelves

It has taken us a little by surprise on this beautiful Sunday morning, but thanks to Amazon's diligence, OFF THE RECORD: A COLLECTION OF SHORT STORIES BASED ON CLASSIC SONG TITLES is now officially for sale on Amazon's Kindle store. My story based on Michael Jackson's BLOOD ON THE DANCE FLOOR is a part of it, as well as other stories by Luca Veste (he edited the damn thing too!), Col Bury, Les Edgerton, Heath Lowrance, AJ Hayes, Chris Rhatigan, Sean Patrick Reardon, Ian Ayris, Iain Rowan, Matthew C. Funk, Thomas Pluck, Patti Abbott, Chad Rohrbacher, Court Merrigan, Paul D. Brazill, Ron Earl Phillips, Nigel Bird, Julie Morrigan, David Barber, McDroll, Eric Beetner, Steve Weddle, Nigel Bird, Darren Sant, Simon Logan, Helen Fitzgerald, Ray Banks and many other writers I don't know, but who own, I'm sure. It's my fifth publication this year, but my fourth within a month. So time flies, for sure.Things are going really fast sometimes.

If you want a copy, head to -

Amazon US Kindle Store

or 

Amazon UK Kindle Store

It's a mere 2,99$ (2,29 Euros) and all the profits are to be given to charity organisms for children literacy in US and UK. So thank you in advance for supporting such a great cause by reading great crime fiction!

Another Sunday Video Bonanza

The first video is a collection of reactions taken from gamers that played a little video game named AMNESIA: THE DARK DESCENT, which is supposed to be the scariest survival horror since Silent Hill was good. I never played it, but I heard it takes quite a pair to play. The funniest reaction, I don't know if the guy is serious, but he seems to relinquish any concept of pride. I have to admit I don't get it, but you have to play to understand (so I heard). If you feel limber enough to try, it's only ten bucks on Steam. You also encourage an independant developer by doing so. This video is really funny.

This one is really different. I wanted to post it to show you the side of Joe Rogan nobody really sees unless they listen to his podcast. It's a brilliant discussion he had with Bryan Callen about the nature of inspiration and jealousy that I have taken from a playlist of Joe Rogan Experience Greatest Hits. Those who think Rogan is only a pothead, please listen to this. It will change your perception of him and probably enlighten your Sunday morning  a little. There are also many videos like this on YouTube (the playlist in question contains thirty-four videos).

A Writing Update About The Lost Children Anthology and Other Things

Like they haven't done enough yet, Thomas Pluck, Ron Earl Phillips and Fiona Johnson and carrying THE LOST CHILDREN: A CHARITY ANTHOLOGY a step further. The writing contest that became an eBook anthology is now a trade paperback and is available for a low as 9,99$

You can order it from two places.

1) Amazon

and

2) Createspace

If you buy from Createspace, there are more royalties and needless to say, the profits from this anthology all go to PROTECT and CHILDREN 1st of Scotland to help children in need. So you get a hundred an thirty eight pages of great fiction for a good price AND you're doing a good action.

If you don't want to shed ten dollars for it, you can always buy the electronic version on iTunes, Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords.

Also.

I have been invited by Nigel Bird to participate to his famous series of self-interviews called DANCING WITH MYSELF. I was very happy to do so, because it's kind of a rite of passage for crime writers. Means you've got something to promote. Check it out, leave a comment. Check out's Nigel's stories on Kindle also. They're really cool.

Immortal Technique - Dance With The Devil

Immortal Technique is a stand-up kind of guy. Probably the best MC I know (along with Eminem), he has always refused every record contract offered to him, because he prefers to keep control over his creative output than to have money. The man is a blaze of controversies, singing songs about America, seen from the unfortunate point of view, along with the occasional political song thrown in the mix (PERUVIAN COCAINE was the first song of him I heard and it's quite intense). DANCE WITH THE DEVIL contains a sample from the theme of an old television series I forgot the name of*. The lyrics could very well be the lyrics of a noir novel and for those who wonder if Immortal Technique did any of what he said he did in the song, he addressed the issue in interview, saying that it's a story that happens every day, but what he wrote was fiction. It's a beautiful, tragic song. One of the finest example of hip-hop poetry. Here it is for you.

* Not really, it was featuring Richard Chamberlain and the french title would translate in english as "THE BIRDS HIDE BEFORE DYING". Any idea?

Immortal Technique - DANCE WITH THE DEVIL

I once knew a nigga whose real name was William
His primary concern, was making a million
Being the illest hustler, that the world ever seen
He used to fuck movie stars and sniff coke in his dreams
A corrupted young mind, at the age of thirteen
Nigga never had a father and his mom was a fiend
She put the pipe down, but every year she was sober
Her sons heart simultaneously grew colder
He started hanging out selling bags in the projects
Checking the young chicks, looking for hit and run prospects
He was fascinated by material objects
But he understood money never bought respect
He build a reputation 'cause he could hustle and steal
But got locked once and didn't hesitate to squeal
So criminals he chilled with didn't think he was real
You see me and niggas like this have never been equal
I don't project my insecurities at other people
He fiended for props like addicts with pipes and needles
So he felt he had to prove to everyone he was evil
A feeble-minded young man with infinite potential
The product of a ghetto breed capitalistic mental
Coincidentally dropped out of school to sell weed
Dancing with the devil, smoked until his eyes would bleed
But he was sick of selling trees and gave in to his greed

Everyone trying to be trife never face the consequences
You probably only did a month for minor offences
Ask a nigga doing life if he had another chance
But then again there's always the wicked that knew in advance
Dance forever with the devil on a cold cell block
But that's what happens when you rape, murder and sell rock
Devils used to be gods, angels that fell from the top
There's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot

So Billy started robbing niggas, anything he could do
To get his respect back, in the eyes of his crew
Starting fights over little shit, up on the block
Stepped up to selling mothers and brothers the crack rock
Working overtime for making money for the crack spot
Hit the jackpot and wanted to move up to cocaine
fulfilling the scarface fantasy stuck in his brain
Tired of the block niggas treating him the same
He wanted to be major like the cut throats and the thugs
But when he tried to step to 'em, niggas showed him no love
They told him any motherfucking coward can sell drugs
Any bitch nigga with a gun, can bust slugs
Any nigga with a red shirt can front like a blood
Even Puffy smoked a motherfucker up in a club
But only a real thug can stab someone till they die
Standing in front of them, starring straight into their eyes
Billy realized that these men were well guarded
And they wanted to test him, before business started
Suggested raping a bitch to prove he was cold hearted
So now he had a choice between going back to his life
Or making money with made men, up in the cife
His dreams about cars and ice, made him agree
A hardcore nigga is all he ever wanted to be
And so he met them Friday night at a quarter to three



They drove around the projects slow while it was raining
Smoking blunts, drinking and joking for entertainment
Until they saw a woman on the street walking alone
Three in the morning, coming back from work, on her way home
And so they quietly got out the car and followed her
Walking through the projects, the darkness swallowed her
They wrapped her shirt around her head and knocked her onto the floor
This is it kid now you got your chance to be raw
So Billy oaked her up and grabbed the chick by the hair
And dragged her into a lobby that had nobody there
She struggled hard but they forced her to go up the stairs
They got to the roof and then held her down on the ground
Screaming shut the fuck up and stop moving around
The shirt covered her face, but she screamed and clawed
So Billy stomped on the bitch, until he had broken her jaw
The dirty bastards knew exactly what they were doing
They kicked her until they cracked her ribs and she stopped moving
Blood leaking through the cloth, she cried silently
And then they all proceeded to rape her violently
Billy was made to go first, but each of them took a turn
Ripping her up, and choking her until her throat burned
A broken jaw mumbled for guards but they weren't concerned
When they were done and she was lying bloody, broken and bruised
One of them niggas pulled out a brand new twenty-two
They told him that she was a witness of what she'd gone through
And if he killed her he was guaranteed a spot in the crew
He thought about it for a minute, she was practically dead
And so he leaned over and put the gun right to her head


I'm falling and I can't turn back
I'm falling and I can't turn back


Right before he pulled the trigger, and ended her life
He thought about the cocaine with the platinum and ice
And he felt strong standing along with his new brothers
Cocked the gat to her head, and pulled back the shirt cover
But what he saw made him start to cringe and stutter
Cause he was starring into the eyes of his own mother
She looked back at him and cried, cause he had forsaken her
She cried more painfully, than when they were raping her
His whole world stopped, he couldn't even contemplate
His corruption had successfully changed his fate
And he remembered how his mom used to come home late
Working hard for nothing, cause now what was he worth
He turned away from the woman that had once given him birth
And crying out to the sky cause he was lonely and scared
But only the devil responded, cause god wasn't there
And right then he knew what it was to be empty and cold
And so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul
They say death takes you to a better place but I doubt it
After that they killed his mother, and never spoke about it
And listen cause the story that I'm telling is true
Cause I was there with Billy Jacobs and I raped his mom too
And now the devil follows me everywhere that I go
In fact I'm sure he's standing among one of you at my shows
And every street cypher listening to little thugs flow
He could be standing right next to you, and you wouldn't know
The devil grows inside the hearts of the selfish and wicked
White, brown, yellow and black colored is not restricted
You have a self destructive destiny when your inflicted
And you'll be one of gods children and fell from the top
There's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot
So when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never
Because the dance with the devil might last you forever

My Dark Pages - Dan O'Shea

Dan O'Shea is a very intimidating man. He's also one hell of a writer. I'm very glad to have him closing out the MY DARK PAGES series with the eloquent and dramatic recalling of how he lost his literary virtue. Dan has a short story collection coming out with the great Snubnose Press. He's also shopping a few novels. He's represented by killer agent of crime writers Stacia Decker. If you'd like to know more about Dan, head to his little corner of the internet. 

Oh and Dan is not really closing the series. I have a surprise guest next week!

I was raised in a house where you couldn’t turn around without tripping over a book – my Dad was an inveterate reader. Early in their marriage, my parents moved into an apartment in DC, close to Georgetown where my Dad was finishing his residency and my Mom was a nurse. I guess the kitchen floor was pretty disgusting, and my Mom was pregnant, so Dad set out to scrub it. Mom told him to put some newspaper down along the edge of the carpeting in the next room so it wouldn’t get stained. She comes back half an hour later and Dad is still scrubbing the same spot, reading the paper. Left a white circle on the floor that’s probably still there.

While they were in Georgetown, my mom also used to babysit for William Peter Blatty. When The Exorcist came out, my parents took us older kids to see it. I was 14. I was living in the bedroom in the converted attic – and the attic was where all the bad shit with Captain Howdy starts. Climax of the movie, that Karras priest gets tossed out the window, cartwheels down this long cement stairway, breaks his neck. I’m pissing myself thinking I’m going home and some Assyrian demon’s gonna make me its bitch and my parents are sitting next to me going “Oh, honey, you remember those stairs? We used to walk down those every day on the way to work.” I still have mental scars. But that’s another story.

Most of my Dad’s books were non-fiction, history mostly. Though he did like Agatha Christie. So I tried one of those when I was in high school. Hated it.  I’m just not a cozy guy, it turns out. Also, I was a bit of a literary snob. I’d had a few teachers tell me I could write, and since that was pretty much the first time I’d had a teacher tell me I could do anything other than fuck around, it went to my head.  I was gonna be the next Hemingway or Fitzgerald. Fuck that, the next Shakespeare. I was gonna carve my face into the Mount Rushmore of the western literary canon.

So I read Hemingway and Fitzgerald. I read dead Englishman – Hardy, Dickens, whomever. And I’d yack your ear off over how great they were, and how Americans were cultural zombies who’d had their intellectual life force sucked out through their eyeballs by the television. Went to see Animal House with some friends, and I bit my tongue so I wouldn’t laugh out loud, didn’t want to soil my cred. God, I was an asshole.

The truth? All that stuff I was reading was OK, but it was like health food. Every so often, you want dessert. You want booze. You want a fucking steak.

In 1979 or so, Graham Greene came out with The Human Factor – an espionage novel. Hey, Greene was an Important Writer (and, if you haven’t yet read The Heart of the Matter, do so immediately).  So if he wanted to slum and write, GASP, genre fiction, then I could slum and read it.

And here was the tasty morsel I’d been craving. It was still a compelling and human story with rich characters and important messages, but it was also, I dunno, fun?

Slippery slope from there. My Dad had started in on Le Carre, and I plowed my way through that oeuvre. I mean at least Le Carre was still, what? Serious? Or English at least. I mean they made a PBS series out of his stuff, so it had to be OK, right?

And then I read a Ross Thomas novel. Don’t remember which one I read first, because I read all of them in short order. It’s not like being at the movies and biting your tongue – it’s just you and the book. There’s no one to pretend to, no one you can convince you aren’t enjoying it.  (And yeah, I’m kinda old, and Thomas has been dead for a while so some of you punks probably haven’t read him. Try Ah! Treachery! and tell me it’s not a good time.)

I also figured out something else. I wasn’t going to write “serious” fiction. Maybe I didn’t have the talent for it or the patience for it or the psychological insights for it.  And serious fiction, lots of times those books don’t have much in the way of story, plot, narrative arc. They’re about feelings and angst and ennui, not about things happening. Turns out I don’t know how to put a novel together that doesn’t have a skeleton of plot inside it. And also this – you think reading Hardy gets a little dry sometimes? Try writing Hardy. If you don’t enjoy what you’re writing, then it’s just work. Fuck that. Life’s full of work. Who needs more work?

So, for years, I didn’t write much of anything I wasn’t getting paid to write – and I was getting paid to write about the tax code.

Then, finally, I guess I grew up enough to get over my own pretensions and self-judgmental bullshit and decided to write what I felt like writing. OK, I’m still enough of a high-brow asshole that I turned Shakespeare into an Elizabethan private dick, but I’m just as happy with a meth-head stealing from Girl Scouts. 

I’m just another genre slut out on the crime fiction stroll, flashing my hairy thighs at you and hoping to catch your eye. And I’m finally OK with that.  

The Vice Guide To Travel Diaries, Part Two

After being blown away by the first two episodes of THE VICE GUIDE TO TRAVEL, I entertained myself during the week to some Amazon reviews of the complete series. The Circle of Anonymous Critics of The Amazon is a notoriously dissatisfied bunch, but they were EXTREMELY harsh on what seemed to me, a very entertaining idea. Let's examine a few. I'm sorry if you thing that reviews of Amazon reviews are unoriginal, but there is a point to all this. If you're patient enough, you will be rewarded, like with a good novel.

TWO STARS

A cool idea but filled with short clips that don't really go anywhere. Save your money and watch it on youtube.


-Neighboresse


The videos aren't very long indeed, but I thought they were straightforward and to the point. When you're going to the Pakistan Gun Market, it's not exactly like you could ask questions of anything. You go there, you do what you have to do and then you leave. It's good enough that they could bring a camera. I'm just thankful I could see that a place like that exists. It's short yes, but it's not complacent. I could have used a little more of that Chernobyl episode, though.

TWO STARS


One of the segments involves attending a rave in the City of God, Rio's largest slum. But they never do attend the rave, because someone tells them it's too dangerous. Then there is a segment on what is supposedly the world's largest arms market; they show significantly fewer guns than the small gun store on my street. The segment on the lost dinosaur in the congo is just plain goofy; all you see is some guy getting drunk and a bunch of Congolese villagers dancing around. The Chernobyl segment could have been good except that they hyped showing mutant animals but then never showed any. Major disappointment with the whole DVD.

There is nothing new, fresh, exciting or informative about any of this. As a previous reviewer said - they start with a good idea and then run out of steam before they can execute it.


-Kevin F. Pisarsky



This is actually some decent criticism. I mean, the guys rarely deliver what the had in mind in the first place. But, they ARE dangerous place and you wouldn't get a sight out of it if the journalists in question never come back. Yes, it doesn't have anything on war journalism, but it's not the same thing. Those guys are doing extreme tourism. I'm just happy they go to the craziest places and show me exactly what it is to be there. I was just happy somebody brought a camera to Chernobyl. That scene where Shane Smith freaks out because of the Red Forest was a thing of beauty.

Why am I talking about the same episodes than last week?

Valid question.

Because the two episodes this week sucked ass. That's why. The one where they go to Congo to check out Gorillas is mildly interesting if a little uneventful, but the Wodka wars episode was beyond abysmal. No fucked up vacation in this one, they just send a strung out hipster in Poland and Russia, to investigate about who invented Vodka. I mean, who fucking cares?  I want to see a journalist go to a fucked up place, not a bored out idiot doing some historical research.

I don't really care who invented Vodka. I don't even drink Vodka. It's called the VICE GUIDE TO TRAVEL because it's supposed to be about a bunch of people travelling to fucked up place. Not about a douche and history books. Really, there's nothing to say about this weeks episodes. Except fuck that Vodka research guy. 

Watching The Throne

I know, how GQ of me

Hip-hop icons Jay-Z and Kanye West have been quite the talk of the town lately. They released an album together titled WATCH THE THRONE, which contains great songs and not so great songs. What I have heard about the most though it the obscene price they charges for show tickets. Tickets I would quality as "not shitty" were all about two hundred bones. It's a lot of money. Of course I wasn't going to pay this much to see those two play. I like them, but I don't LOVE them. But thanks to a good friend of Josie that we'll call "Meg", who could pimp out free tickets to the comeback tour of Jesus if she wanted to, we had free tickets to the show. Really, really good free tickets. If we were any closer, Kanye would have sweated on me.

Here's some unfair math for you. The white and the blue section in the Bell Center were crammed full because they were the affordable tickets (under two hundred), but the red section (the decent tickets) wasn't completely full and it was peppered with people like us, who paid nothing at all for an awesome show. Because it was absolutely great. The two titans of rap performed their best songs (Kanye left out Dark Fantasy, meh) is front of a raving crowd. While I felt a bit like an intruder (I like hip-hop, but I'm not crazy about it), it was good to hear Jay-Z do his old-school songs like DIRT OFF YOUR SHOULDER and IZZO (H.O.V.A), while Kayne well...was equal to himself. Guy has the biggest ego, but he can perform. JESUS WALKS and POWER, as well as his RUNAWAY-HEARTLESS-STRONGER segments were impressive.

The crowd was a weird bunch, because both rappers appeal to a very different fan base and the fact that many male spectators were doing Movember made it even more confusing. See, as Jay-Z is a MC in the traditional sense of the term, the spectrum of Kanye West's music is a little more broad. It goes from hip-hop to RnB to all-out electronic music, which brings out the more artsy-fartsy crowd and inevitably the hipsters. They are at every show where their physical health isn't threatened (that leaves out the liked of MOTÖRHEAD and MEGADETH), but you can never really guess whether their involvement is ironic or not. The Movember crowd made it even weirder, because you could see a guy with a full blown mustache and a cardigan, dancing away, his soul enslaved by the music. I had no idea who in the crowd were the hipsters and I thought it was fucking great.

While I thought Jay-Z performed really well and was in surprisingly good shape (he looked like a guy who had lost a lot of weight. Not naturally thin, but you know. Thin), but as far as live performance goes, Kanye West is something else. Jay-Z has built an empire with Roc-A-Fella records, but he didn't exactly innovate. I always thought his music to be commercial and safe, in general. Kanye West keeps risking and trying different approach, which seems to be based on the mood he's in. You can tell (well, at least I could tell, from where I was) that performing still has a visceral appeal to him and his songs take life when he performs them, like they took like when he first wrote them on paper.

The traditional style of hip-hop performers is based on outside approval of the crowd, the homies, whoever it is. Whether it's "look, I have money" or "look, life is tough", it's a very kinetic performance that couldn't go on without a public to approve. Whenever Kanye West is on stage, he looks in some sort of trance, like we weren't even there. His music comes from an inner vision (which he values sometimes more than his fanbase does), but it makes it quite an intense performer.

The WATCH THE THRONE show was amazing, but it was even more amazing because it was free

Dead End Follies Awards - Nominees For Best Novel

This is it. I have read seventy-three books this year and the four mentioned below are what I think to be the very best. Whenever I read, I'm always looking for such books. Gorgeously written (beautiful prose), with fascinating characters and most important, that makes a powerful statement. Every story has something to say, but it's how you say things that makes your statement remembered. The bravado and the style of it. This category rewards the novel I've read in my 2010-2011 reading year, which I thought to be the very best. The books in competition here were not eligible for most of the other categories, because I had to keep a little suspense. The nominees are...

Anthony Neil Smith - Choke On Your Lies

Norman Mailer - The Executioner's Song

Francis Scott Fitzgerald - The Beautiful & Damned 

Vladimir Nabokov - Lolita

The Awards will be handed out on the first week of December, following this schedule

December 5 - Best Book Cover, Funniest Book and Best Short Story

December 6 - Best Non-Fiction Book, Best Series and Best New Book

December 7 - Best Crime Novel, Best Literary Novel and Best New Writer

December 8 - Best Female Character and Best Male Character

December 9 - Best Novel

Mark your calendars, spread the word and discuss, who you will think will be the winners of the 2011 ceremony?

Alice In Chains - Rooster

I went to see Kanye West and Jay Z live yesterday. It was a terrific show and logically I should post one of their songs today, but I can't. This sleeper hit by Alice In Chains is on my mind like a groupie on a crooner's. Not sure why. Maybe it's because it's the first snow of the year outside and that makes me unexplainably melancholic like all those natural phenomenons that happens a few times a year. Anyway, I still have to take it all in concerning the hip-hop show, because there was a lot of material to process (performance, art direction, sound, crowd), so in the meantime, deal with the ROOSTER and glance through the window in a soulful manner  (if you're living in Montreal).

Alice In Chains - ROOSTER

Ain't found a way to kill me yet
Eyes burn with stinging sweat
Seems every path leads me to nowhere
Wife and kids household pet
Army green was no safe bet
The bullets scream to me from somewhere

Here they come to snuff the rooster
Yeah here come the rooster, yeah (2X)
You know he ain't gonna die
No, no, no, ya know he ain't gonna die

Walkin' tall machine gun man
They spit on me in my home land
Gloria sent me pictures of my boy
Got my pills 'gainst mosquito death
My buddy's breathin' his dyin' breath
Oh god please won't you help me make it through

Here they come to snuff the rooster
Yeah here come the rooster, yeah
You know he ain't gonna die
No, no, no ya know he ain't gonna die

Dead End Follies Awards - Nominees For Best Male Character

I'm a (fairly) young man and therefore, I gravitate naturally towards book that have been written by people of the same sex than me. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be natural, but it sure feels so. There is a beautiful fatality to a well done male character. We are success hungry dreamers and yet, we're so reckless that we often have to leave part of ourselves with experience. That changes a man into a thousand different sorts of mess. That's what I love to read about a male character. I want to see them take the dark road out of the gutter. This category rewards the novel that featured the male characters that shined the hardest in pitch black darkness. The nominees are...

Paul Little in Aaron Philip Clark's The Science Of Paul

Teardrop Dolly in Daniel Woodrell's Winter Bone

Billy Lafitte in Anthony Neil Smith's Yellow Medicine/Hogdoggin'

Nick Valentine in Matthew McBride's Frank Sinatra In A Blender

Have you read any of those? If so, who do you think should win?

Movie Review : A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints (2006)

Country:

USA

Recognizable Faces:

Robert Downey Jr.
Rosario Dawson
Shia LaBeouf
Channing Tatum
Eric Roberts
Dianne West
Chazz Palminteri

Directed By:

Dito Montiel

This deserves an explanation. What is this movie? Why is the cast so stellar and I have never heard of it? Valid questions. A GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING YOUR SAINTS is the work of self-made man Dito Montiel. By that, I mean he literally used this story (the book first and then the movie) to make a name for himself in Hollywood after thee failure of his punk rock efforts with GUTTERBOY (judge it yourself, I don't like it). The result is something very awkward to look at because first, a unique individual has complete creative control over the product from the book format from the book to the film and also, Dito Montiel doesn't seem to know who he is, but he insists on showing his bare self on screen. I didn't know how I felt about watching A GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING YOUR SAINTS and I still don't. What was Dito Montiel tying to do here? Pay his respects to his past? Tell us that home is home, wherever you and however you like it? Talk about his father?

I have never read A GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING YOUR SAINTS the memoir, but the movie picks up a few months after its release, when it already started to tap into some success. Dito (Downey) is singing the blues of the recently published and starts receiving phone calls from his mother and his friend Antonio about his father being really ill. Both things (the publication and the illness) are enough to make him jump in a plane from LAX to JFK airport, back into the Queens of his youth. He is swarmed then by memories of his past and what I think also is what A GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING YOUR SAINTS (the memoir) is about. The life of a teenage Dito (LaBeouf), looking for a future in New York, torn in between his dreams of being a musician and the rugged life he's living on the mean streets.

How Dito Montiel ended up with such a great cast of actors (who carried the text admirably well), can only be explained by actual casting talent and directorial instincts. Robert Downey Jr. was still two years from making IRON MAN, Shia LaBeouf still hadn't done TRANSFORMERS (and he gives maybe his best performance as young Dito), Channing Tatum...well...Dito Montiel was probably his biggest fan because he directed FIGHTING, which starred him in 2009. He recuperated a forgotten glory like Chazz Plaminteri also, which is very smart of him, because the Italian actor can deliver and does, as Dito's father Monty. The cast is amazingly well chosen and directed to honor the text they worked with, the ingredients are there, but somehow, the whole film doesn't really make them jam together. Eggs, flour and heat make a great cake, but they don't taste as good on their own.

I feel bad saying this, because it's obviously a very personal story and Dito Montiel put himself in a vulnerable position there, exposing how he was judgmental of his life when he was young. Young people are judgmental as a default mode of being. Yeah, his life was hard and it's difficult to shape your identity when life has you by the throat like this, but not that uncommon. What A GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING YOUR SAINTS was about is a man going back to his roots, realizing he has been blinded by his thirst for success. Apparently, there is a whole storyline about Dito's escape to Los Angeles being due to a divine intervention, which is not a part of the movie. There are moments where you think Dito is lucky as hell to have survived (like when a kid from a rival gang shoots his friend, but unexplainably NOT HIM), but it's just hinted. There's no trace of religion in this movie. Too bad, it could've been the final ingredient that gelled things together and made this film special.

Oh yeah and minus points for the talented Rosario Dawson who gets  the shit end of the stick again with an almost invisible support role.

SCORE: 68%

No Rules @ Psycho Noir

Heath writes the awesome Grey Hawthorne series

Friend and fellow writer Heath Lowrance invited me to his guest post series NO RULES over at his excellent blog Psycho Noir. I wrote this posts a few weeks before turning twenty-nine, stricken by the passage of time, so I decided to talk a little bit about the wisdom (or lack thereof) that I have gathered along the way. It already started provoking reactions to due a doubtful choice of words at a certain spot, but I'm not unhappy that it gets people talking. Do my a favor and please hop over to Heath's place, read, discuss and check out his work. He's a writer you don't want to sleep on.

NO RULES @ Psycho Noir

Smooth Criminals - My Reading List

There has been quite a few bloggers signing up for the SMOOTH CRIMINALS reading challenge since I launched it exactly a week ago. You can see the list here. Still, it's not even nearly enough. Come one guys, what are you scared of? It's eight books and eight reviews OVER A YEAR. Your reviews don't need to be as long as mine. Just tell me what you think worked and didn't worked with the books. Did I mention you can sign up for the challenge here? I have spent the last week carefully choosing my eight books, so I could help you shape your ideas about certain categories. Here they are.

HARDBOILED CLASSIC

Lawrence Block - The Sins Of The Fathers 

NOIR CLASSIC

Craig Clevenger - The Contortionist's Handbook

PRISON BOOK

Edward Bunker - Education Of A Felon

BOOK WRITTEN BY A WRITER WHO WENT TO PRISON

Ken Kesey - One Flew Over A Cuckoo's Nest

BOOK WITH A PSYCHOPATH PROTAGONIST

Thomas Harris - The Silence Of The Lambs

GOTHIC NOVEL

Iain Banks - The Wasp Factory

CLASSIC THAT REVOLVES AROUND A CRIME

William Faulkner - Sanctuary

THE "WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?" BOOK

Mark Z. Danielewski - House Of Leaves

This is it. I. AM. PUMPED. If you already chose your books too, feel free to post your list in the comments or a link to it.

You can read the rules and sign up for SMOOTH CRIMINALS here

Dead End Follies Awards - Nominees For Best Female Character

Given that I read mostly male writers, good female characters are not something easy to pull off. Love, tenderness and intimacy are something, but femininity might just be one of the most difficult things to put in words. But it's not the only important thing for a female character to be represented accurately as a woman. This category is rewarding the best female characters I have read in 2011. The strongerst and most original women characters that swiped their males counterparts away from the pages with the most ruthless efficiency. Please note that every novel in competition is eligible for this category. The nominees are...

Octavia VanderPlaats in Anthony Neil Smith's Choke On Your Lies

Mrs. Wilson in Allan Guthrie's Bye Bye Baby

Kate Gompert in David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest

Gloria Patch in Francis Scott Fitzgerald's The Beautiful & Damned

Have you read any of these titles? If so,who do you think should win?

Real Life Treasure Hunters

I've been trying to write about these two guys for a while now. Allen Haff and Clinton "Ton" Jones are another argument for not cutting the cable in my household. Josie and I are not watching television a lot, but yesterday evening we did. In fact, I was planning to finish UNCHARTED 3 and post about it this week, but I didn't because I put the hours I had planned to put in the game, into a bedazzled viewing experience of Spike TV's AUCTION HUNTERS marathon. Why have I invested four precious hours of my life into watching a reality show on a notoriously dumb channel?

Because it's a great show, that's why.

Doing reality television that doesn't rank in the "fall of Babylon" category is not easy. Spike TV has been guilty of riding the reality television bandwagon with terrible concepts in the past. REPO GAMES being the most terrible example. A show where car owners have to answer trivia questions to win their repossessed car back is only one step away from Stephen King's RUNNING MAN (or at least in my book, it is). Between the shows where participants are encouraged to act shitty to "create conflict" (Jersey Shore, Big Brother) to those who feed from genuine human misery and mental diseases (anything on TLC), it's difficult to create reality television that won't make you ashamed to watch.

I already talked about UNDERCOVER BOSS in the past being an exception and today, I'd like to add AUCTION HUNTERS to that list. The concept is eerily similar to playing the UNCHARTED video game series. First, Allen and Ton (the two hosts) show up at an abandoned storage auction, where they have to fend off bidders in sometimes epic bidding wars. They have to strategize and carefully chose the storage units they bid on. They usually win two auctions by episode. 

Then, they pick apart the unit, looking for anything of value. I know, that's borderline piracy, right? Just tell yourself this. There was no way the owners of the storage units were getting their stuff back anyway. In a capitalist economy, the storage facility has two other choices:

1)Keeping the loot for themselves 

or 

2)Throw everything to the garbage, making place for another paying customer.

I don't know about you, but I can dig somebody who lives off this, if he's ready to take the job insecurity and make the efforts that go with it. Where I think AUCTION HUNTERS is more interesting than playing UNCHARTED is when Allen and Ton pick apart the storage unit. Everyone of them has a life of its own. They found camera collection, restaurant supplies, guns (often, in fact), mortician tools, a bumper car and even a freakin' sand rail. Sometimes it's valuable items, sometimes it's junk but there's always a story to their discoveries. So many lives uncovered like treasures that they get in the hands of the right buyers, who will appreciate them to their value.

 Allen and Ton are just respectful enough to be endearing and just curious enough to be fun. The show is all about them yelling: "MAN", "DUDE", "CHECK THIS OUT" , "COME SEE THIS" or "WOAH", whenever they find something. I don't know if they are like that in real life, but Allen and Ton have created characters for themselves as good as any fictional ones on television. Especially Allen. He has grown on me because 1)He bears an uncanny resemblance to my friend J-Rod (who now lives in British Columbia) and 2) because he's exactly the kind of character Nathan Drake should have been.

Allen Haff is a second generation antiques specialist who has the soul of a treasure hunter, a bit like Nathan Drake. Where the video game super hero is a good-looking, wisecracking athlete and a driven, nearly obsessed intellectual, the auction hunter is just a little geekier at everything, making him more real. He's scrawnier that Drake, gets unhealthily excited whenever they make a big sell and does an arm-flailing victory dance whenever he wins an auction (as seen in the opening theme). Drake is a fantasy, made to empower gamers and Haff is that guy you'd like to go take a beer with and hear crazy story. He's more real (hell, he IS real), which makes AUCTION HUNTERS incredible.

I'll finish UNCHARTED 3, it's a very good game. Not as good as the second installment of the series so far, but still a very good game by the standards of today's industry. But Nathan Drake got beaten by better men yesterday night. AUCTION HUNTERS is a show that digs up forgotten treasures and brings them back to the world, teaching the viewers a little bit of history (who knew duck decoys were such a prize collectible) and brings forwards the forgotten passion of forgotten people. It's a show that will teach you about the history of morticians in the U.S instead of making you witness a painful meltdown of people scuffling and fucking, over a 50K prize.

That was a Sunday evening well spent.