The Terrifying Rebecca Black

Before pressing PLAY, please know this is the kind of thing you can't unsee or unhear.

I wrote a post called THE FRIGHTENING MR. BIEBER about a year ago and I still stand by what I said about him, but the unthinkable happened. I found something more disturbing. Rebecca Black is fourteen years old and what sets her apart from other girls her age isn't her talent, but her incredibly strong desire to be a famous singer. They keyword here is famous, because unlike normal fourteen years old, she didn't enroll into signing and dancing lessons to get better at what she does. No, instead she got her parents to pay a vanity release of the most terrible song and video of all-time.

I'm not exaggerating here. It's even worse than "CRAZY FROG"

The problem here is simple. She doesn't have any skill or attributes that could warrant any potential fame. She doesn't sing very well. Autotune makes her sound like a chipmunk on FRIDAY*. She doesn't dance very well. In fact, in FRIDAY she's just clumsily shaking her shoulders like she has an itch in the middle of her back. She's not every spectacularly pretty. She's a decent looking fourteen years old, but at this age, teenagers will prefer more physically mature stars like Rihanna, per se. At least, I know I did. Oh and let's not talk about the lyrics or the video's production values. Whoever wrote that song was high on a very toxic substance** or just fucking around. 

I know what you're going to tell me. What about JERSEY SHORE? If they keep doing what they do, why couldn't she? I'm not denying that JERSEY SHORE is a cultural problem, but it's a different issue. It's a show based on the concept of having no skills, except for behaving like a baboon***. We made them famous for being stupid and unfortunately, mildly influential in fashion. Rebecca Black doesn't want to be like that. She wants to be recognized in a field where you need to be exceptionally skilled at least at one thing, or being gorgeous looking and she is neither. All she had for her is her parent's money to do this vanity release and the judgment of millions of YouTubers. It looks like a tragedy said like that, but it bought her the privilege to feature on Jay Leno.

Rebecca Black is an average girl, who never really did something outstanding (OK, let's say outstandingly bad) and she was on Jay Leno. You weren't. The modifier? Money and the internet.

I can hear you again. Leave her alone, Ben. It's a fourteen years old girl, living the dream. Let her be, don't be such a bully. Not that I think Rebecca Black cares about my opinion, but I do think her "career" sends a damaging message to society. She's living a dream that she didn't earn. She bought it. No, her parents bought it for her. What happened to the culture of hard working and earning, here? She makes being exceptional a birthright, as if every kid in America was visited by a gentle faerie that chose them to live the greatest life. FRIDAY is a product of somebody who put minimal work into what she did and wanting fame for that is unfair to all those young girls who bust their asses in singing and dancing practice and local talent shows.

You want to know the worst part? She's actually getting better. The video for her second single MY MOMENT is hilarious. There's a girl playing guitar in the background, but there is no guitar in the song. My favorite part though is the delirious crowd of fans, which consists of like eight hired teenagers. But in that video, she dances all right. She proves she can learn to do something properly. PERSON OF INTEREST is almost mediocre pop. Really, she could open for Ace of Base's comeback tour. Thanks heavens though, none of these two songs has even charted.

I'm scared of Justin Bieber, but I am terrified of Rebecca Black. If you can buy your way into a job that used to require skills with next to no skills at all, you're rigging the game for everybody that works harder than you. Yeah, we live in a free country and she can do whatever she wants. As long as she has money, right?

* It's not as bad in her other songs, but it's still heavily autotuned.

** I'm thinking shoe polish, but it's just a guess.

*** Apologies to all the baboons reading my blog.