Mondays Uses my Illusions

At the risk of displeasing my most hardcore readers, I have to admit I've been watching "The Voice" for the last month. I put myself in this situation because 1) I love pop culture and am fascinated by it (official excuse) and 2) When a child of television loses cable, he will watch the strangest things for his own personal entertainment. Singing contests have been part of the cultural landscape for the last decade (more or less) and I never gave them a real go. There are many reasons for this, but the main would be that trained poodles with an ON/OFF switch to hold high notes who sing other people's songs just don't interest me.

In some regards, "The Voice" is no different. You will hear ten shitty songs for a decent one and even then, there's a chance you won't like the decent song THAT much *. It's a show that has its merits, though. Due to the blind auditions process, the coaches can't work with a full product. They can't format anybody into a radio-friendly poodle. They only have a voice to work with at the start. So they have fat people, weirdos, jail birds (there is one this year) and unstable people in general. 

To me, the most fascinating aspect of the show is how they portray the coaches, in regards to who they really are as artists. I don't know how much of it it scripted (probably a little, at least), but after giving a listen to a few of their songs, it couldn't be any more skewed. I know it doesn't have anything to do with their coaching ability, but you always want to know where they are trying to lead their students, artistically speaking. Here's how they play it out. 

Adam Levine: The Alpha Male with the silver tongue. One of his team members won last year, so everybody wants to be on his team. He is confident, convincing and he scored the most interesting artists.

Cee Lo Green: The fat creepy dude with the expensive Persian cat. He's the coach that turned the most time in the blind auditions and that got turned off by contestants the most. Got himself decent artists though, due to amount of times he turned around.

Christina Aguilera: The Pop diva with difficult tastes. She didn't turn much, but when she did it was always for similar stuff. Powerful voices, R&B groove, etc. I think she has the worst team.

Blake Shelton: The down-to-earth emotional country artist who doesn't care as much for the voice as he cares for the capacity to convey a story.

BUT IN ALL TRUTH....

Adam Levine: Can anybody tell me with a straight face that they are a fan of Maroon 5? I get that it's supposed to be half-rock/half-funk with a romantic quirk, but this sucks. It's so bland and formatted, my ears are bleeding. On top of that, Adam Levine sings like a neutered hamster.

Cee Lo Green: Of all the four coaches, he's the only one I wouldn't be ashamed to play in my car or with friends around. Seriously, listen to the Maroon 5 song and listen to Cee Lo's "Fuck You" and tell me which one has a soul and which one has not? Also, he's been consistent at being artistically interesting.

Christina Aguilera: I never knew what to think of Christina Aguilera. The song I posted here is good, she's interesting at doing this retro sound, but she changes sound every five years and it's not always as successful. It's like she's been trying to fall into Britney Spears' loopholes, but even doped up, the Cajun queen outsells her. She has the skills, but she also have the personality of a trophy wife.

Blake Shelton: I like to think even country music fans don't recognize themselves in this. Maybe it's just me though, but God. This is bad. Am I crazy or this is really, really bad? He's like Garth Brooks without the occasional sense of humor. I think I'm having an aneurysm...

* Last night's rendition of TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART would be "that" song. Not exactly a greatest hits in my household, but a catchy tune nonetheless. IRONIC has the potential to be that song, but the interpretation was so fucking bad, Alanis Morissette would've spin in her grave if she was dead. She just probably spun in her bed sheets instead.