There is a rule of thumb amongst movie reviewers that Spike TV-endorsed products will suck. There even is an exception to this rule (which should confirm it, right?) in LAW ABIDING CITIZEN with Gerard Butler, which is not really a movie. It's more of a user guide to biblical vengeance, hence the epic tagline. THE CRAZIES tried hard not to suck. In fact, I might draw an epochal shitstorm on myself for saying it did, because it's a remake of a George Romero movie. If it can help my cause, I'll point out the script has been re-written and there isn't much original grindhouse feeling left to it. If you are lazy and imagination-less, you cannot coast somebody else's originality or bank on your actors' performances to stay at the surface. You will find ways to make your movie suck and unfortunately, THE CRAZIES did suck. I'm just not sure who exactly is to blame for it.
Life used to be beautiful in Ogden Marsh, Iowa. The day local sheriff (Timothy Olyphant) shot townsfolk Rory Hamill (Mike Hickman) in the middle of a baseball field, things changed. People started getting sick and extremely violent. The fun-loving people of Ogden Marsh transformed into soulless homicidal maniacs one by one. Sheriff David and his wife, local doctor Judy (the beautiful Radha Mitchell) seek to escape that unexplainable plague, but the American Army crashes the party and organizes emergency quarantine in their own tactful way. So David and Judy are caught between two seemingly unstoppable forces, trying to wedge their way out of town. There are support characters too, but nobody really gives a fuck about them. Not even David and Judy.
I thought THE CRAZIES started not that bad. It made an effort to actually tell a story, rather than bank on the same gimmicky scares that films of its ilk always abuses. Timothy Olyphant and Radha Mitchell are a capable team on screen and whatever scene involving their intimate life before shit hit the fan was convincing. Sheriff David is a little Raylan-ish of a character, but so what? We love Olyphant for playing the fun-loving, shoot-you-in-the-face U.S Marshall, so I didn't mind that. The scares are predictable, yet clever for a moment, too. There is a fun, dynamic fight scene between the Sheriff and the county medico-legal-examiner-turned-homicidal-maniac that was tension-filled and entertaining. But somewhere during the first hours, THE CRAZIES just gives up. It felt like the director just walked out on its own movie.
They are NOT zombies. Well...not supposed to be zombies anyway.
I suppose the debate was about telling a story vs. giving the viewers what the want. As David and Judy put their escape plan into action, the homicidal maniacs, who were rather stand-out antagonists so far, turned into rotten shamblers and THE CRAZIES became about the pure-hearted couple trying to escape the rotten, soulless, somewhat-shambling-demons-killer from scene to scene to scene. Uuuuugh. I understand there is a market for it. There are one or two cool urban desolation scenes, but most are just zombies-maniacs-whatever-they-are creatures popping out of the dark and attacking our heroes. It gets so predictable, it's painful to watch. There even is the gradually-more-infected sidekick (talented Joe Anderson) who is losing it, but ends up sacrificing his life for lead couple's purity *. Like we have never seen that guy before. I understand it's what people want to see, but you can't "want" to see a good, original story before it is told.
There are a few blunders THE CRAZIES make that are adorable. It's mostly design and background stuff that reflect poor decision-making or make no sense whatsoever. For example, the wagons used by the army to transport the potentially infected into quarantine have the same exact design than the Auschwitz train wagons, with the horizontal slits and all. What was that about? There is an hilarious scene where a baby is ripped off a mother's arms for dramatic effect, while other parents are walking by holding their own child. Two maniacs seemingly in terminal-stage illness are talking and show enough presence of mind to tie up Rhada Mitchell to a chair, while maniacs in better condition were only able to kill. A burst of cough provoking a paranoia amongst the protagonists, while cough was not a symptom prior to that. Stuff like that brought a smile to my face, from time to time.
I'm not sure what happened with THE CRAZIES, but jumbled messes like this are often the result of studio executive interference. Somebody with money, influence, a nifty suit and no cinema culture whatsoever didn't like where the movie was going and decided to step in and make this movie more like everything else we've already seen. What's infuriating about THE CRAZIES is that it wants your twelve dollars cinema seat money or your four dollars location money and little else. It doesn't want to mark you, it doesn't want to haunt your forever. It's something that turned into a cynical cash grab somewhere along the way. THE CRAZIES has its moments, but it's not worth the time and effort to go elbow-deep into hackneyed bullshit to seek them out.
TWO STARS
* Of course, the lead female actress is pregnant. You should've guessed it by now.