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Essay : A Gentleman's Guide to NOT Raping Women

Essay : A Gentleman's Guide to NOT Raping Women

I try not to get wrapped up in outrage stories. There's one a week on social media and if I start giving in to my anger about a Gorilla shot in Cincinnati, I might as well be angry about every goddamn thing. I break my cardinal life rule this week because of a guy named Brock Turner, so let's blame him for that. Brock raped a woman on Stanford University campus last year, proceeded to plead not guilty, got charged and was sentenced to a measly six months in county jail by a judge who claimed a harsher sentence would leave a severe impact on him.

Injustice is unfortunately not uncommon for women in our society, but a garbage story in the Washington Post written by some reporter named Michael E. Miller raised a major red flag today. Miller stated that: "the jury was harsh on Turner and treated an ambiguous and alcohol-fueled moment with black-and-white certainty." and closed his piece by saying: "Turner’s once-promising future remains uncertain. But his extraordinary yet brief swim career is now tarnished, like a rusting trophy." Jesus. Turner raped AN UNCONSCIOUS WOMAN, which EVERY PARTY AGREED SHE WAS UNCONSCIOUS, what is ambiguous about that case exactly? Women are not self-service sex stations. Are we REALLY losing ground on a self-explanatory issue like rape in 2016? 

Anyway, I prepared straightforward instructions for my simple minded bros who would be confused by the ethics of not raping people. It's not that difficult, you'll see: 

1) Don't rape women. If this is too complicated, keep reading.

2) Don't rape women.

3) No means no. It doesn't mean yes. It doesn't mean try harder. It means no, like when you say "no, I don't want a side dish of shit with my corn flakes."

4) Being unconscious means no, too. It's like a mixed martial arts fight: if the girl is passed out, it's a technical submission. You lost to Captain Beefeater. Escort her home politely and live to fight another day. If you wouldn't pound on an unconscious guy, you wouldn't fuck an unconscious girl.  If you'd do any of these two, you deserve to go to jail.

5) If she shakes her head, shoves you away, runs in the opposite directions or calls for help, it means no too. If she looks at you like she doesn't want to be here but says nothing, it means no too. Not every woman communicates the same way. In both cases, apologize, leave the premise, don't ever contact her again and hope she doesn't call the police.

6) Look, I know what testosterone does. We've all been the creepy, horny guy at parties, but what differentiates men from boys is how we learn from this humiliating experience. Before going out, visit the nearest bathroom, lock the door and have a "private moment with yourself." Aerobic exercise also lowers testosterone levels, so get on the bike, run, do what you gotta do. Testosterone is our responsibility, nobody should suffer from it.

7) I cannot stress that consent thing enough. If it feels weird or if she doesn't seem to have fun with you, back off. If she's not having fun, you're not supposed to have fun either. It's how this thing works.

8) Always remember: women are human beings who exist outside your sexual desires. They have families, friends, jobs and desires that are very much their own and they might not include you. Flirting and whatnot is very much like a business relationship: there has to be value in it for her too. Add value to her life and remember, your dick has no value until she decides otherwise.

9) Get a hobby. Stop thinking about sex all the fucking time. I like to shoot hoops, write this blog, reading books, etc. I have other cool things on my mind outside blowing my load, you know? Most normal human beings do.

10) Refer to 1 and 2.

Remember: getting freaky with a sexy lady is a privilege, not a birthright and privileges are earned. Privileges are earned through being nice and interesting, not by taking people by force. Because women are people too. So buy a sturdy belt for these pants of yours, keep your dick hidden in there, read these instructions often and live a happy and productive existence outside prison walls, not causing pain and trauma for your own sexual enjoyment!  It's not that difficult.

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