Before I am beautiful, I am alive. Trough the dull thud of a heart pulse you can feel fear, pain, boredom, anger, ugliness, death even. The end is a part of every story. Those who turn their back on the only thing they will ever known to be true have already closed the book. The marker is taped to the middle of the book so that the fury of the winds and the ocean cannot blow away the moment where everything stood still. I don't want that, I want the fury of the storm to take me wherever the wind blows.
I am torn. I am torn because I desire. When I close my eyes, I see things that doesn't exist and a life I'm not yet living and a voice within is telling me it's possible. I want to live a life worth remembering. Not necessarily a happy life, but one with the fulfillment of making a difference in the lives of others. I am torn because we live in a time of self-importance where loving yourself will get your life broadcasted on television. I don't want that.
So I write.
It's my own little disembodied way of making a difference. I write because the words will always step ahead of me. By leaving the on the page, I leave you the choice to read them of not. I write fiction because the words will take their meaning when put on the images that haunts my mind. But I write mainly because there's no other path. It makes sense for me to sit in front of a computer and spend hours trying to put the accurate words on those images that are with me. Many did it before me. These are men I never met or never talked to, but I have read their books and have figured my place out in the greater pattern.
Sometimes I have to remember that what I do is important. It is to me and to anyone I can touch with my words. This is what I have to do. It's important that it's clear. It's important to know where you're going if you don't want to end up on the side of the road, smiling, blinded by the sun.
